A survey of male submissive kinks: #3 The woman's infidelity
The category that deals with sexual fantasies of cheating, cuckolding, hotwifing, etc., and how they intertwine with other kinks.
This is part of a series of essays that collectively survey male submissive kinks. Find the Table of contents here.
Men harbor intense feelings of jealousy when it comes to their female partner’s sexuality. Evolutionary psychology posits interesting hypotheses to explain how this jealousy could have evolved.
Men seek to reproduce to propagate their genes, but a fundamental issue lies in the certainty of parenthood. For the longest time and before the recent invention of DNA tests, a man could never be certain that he was in fact the father of his female partner’s baby. Only she could be certain since she was the one who bore it. The man, on the other hand, could only deal in probability.
The hypothesis has it that in the ancestral environment, those men that lacked jealousy of their partner’s sexuality got the short end of the stick. Those men were likely to raise offspring that were not their own because their women, in the pursuit of their own reproductive strategies, could have easily slept with other lovers. Thus, the man who failed to guard his female mate’s sexuality might have been duped into investing in an offspring he thought was his biological progeny but who was in fact another man’s child. The unjealous man therefore failed to propagate his genes.
In contrast, the men that possessed the passion of jealously were driven to vigilantly guard their mate’s sexuality. Those men, in consequence, had a lot more chances at successfully preventing their women from sleeping with others, thus guaranteeing more or less the certainty of the fatherhood of the children they raised. In other words, they succeeded in passing on their genes, unlike the unjealous men.
In this way, the passion of jealousy could have evolved as an adaptive mechanism in the male sexual psychology through natural selection as the jealous men outnumbered over time the unjealous in the genetic pool, leading to the present-day universality of jealousy in the males of our species.1
This jealousy is one of the most dangerous passions in the male psychology. A woman’s betrayal of her sexual loyalty to a man can ignite this turbulent emotion to such a state of rage that the man can be driven to kill the woman he loves. Legislatures in many countries have historically accounted for these so-called “crimes of passion” that carried lesser sentences than premeditated murder.
These possible consequences to a woman’s infidelity, although they are cruel, have probably acted as an incentive for women to remain faithful to their partners. Any woman who entertained the possibility of an affair had to carefully weigh the risks and benefits and, in ordinary circumstances, she was more likely than not to come away from the analysis deciding against cheating because of the risks involved.
That is the principal way that men have sought to dissuade their female partners from seeking other mates: with the threat of violence serving as a deterrence strategy. As patriarchal societies were ruled by men, these deterrence strategies were codified into law. Thus, apart from her man’s physical violence, a woman had also to fear the heavy penalties imposed by law on adulteresses: sentences that ranged from physical torture to capital punishment. It is only recently in history that western societies have forgone these cruel laws and have criminalized violent retribution for adultery.
There is arguably nothing more humiliating for a man than to be cheated on by his female partner and as such, female sexual infidelity also carries heavy costs for the men who are cheated on. When the infidelity became public knowledge in society, these men have almost always been the subject of ridicule. This humiliation translated to dire consequences for their social standing and their position in the dominance hierarchy with other men.
Yet there are men who have sexual fantasies of their female partner’s sexual infidelity. A man of this inclination fantasizes, in a vast range of scenarios, about the humiliation he would feel if he were to suffer the betrayal of his beloved girlfriend or wife, in consequence of which he would become a “cuckold”—the pejorative used to refer to a man who is cheated on, often shorted to “cuck”.
The term cuckold comes from the cuckoo bird family, some species of which engage in a curious reproductive strategy called brood parasitism. Instead of raising its own offspring, a brood parasite tricks another animal to raise it in its place, unwittingly. A brood parasite bird, for example, might sneak into another bird’s nest and kick one of the eggs out of it, replacing it with one of its own. This is done in the hope that the absent bird will fail to notice the switch. If the brood parasitism is successful, the duped bird will raise and invest in an offspring that is not its own.
Cuckold
Men with the cuckolding kink fantasize about the girlfriend or wife having sex with another man. The man who sleeps with the cuckold’s girlfriend or wife is called a “bull”, highlighting his presumed sexual potency and virility. In some fantasies, the cheating takes place without the knowledge of the cuckold and he is only confronted with it after the fact. In other fantasies, the cuckolding happens consensually between the partners.
In cuckolding fantasies, there is typically a reason that drives the woman to cheat on her boyfriend or husband, and this reason is almost always her sexual dissatisfaction in the relationship or marriage.
The sexual dissatisfaction can be due to a myriad of reasons. The woman could desire a penis larger than her male partner’s, in which case the cuckolding kink intertwines with aspects of male sexual inadequacy, like the small penis humiliation kink. In this case, the woman seeks new sexual partners with bigger penises.
The woman could also be sexually frustrated because of a long-distance relationship that prevents her from having sex with her boyfriend or husband as often as she wishes. In this case, the woman takes on other lovers that are physically available to her.
The woman could alternatively simply be seduced into having sex with another man without premeditation in the “one thing led to another” type of scenario. This includes, for example, fantasies of the woman being seduced into having sex with her boss or her going on a work trip and being seduced by another man. The seduction can include the woman’s intoxication with alcohol as a facilitator to her cheating.
In the case of accidental cheating, the woman might confess to her boyfriend or husband and express regret for the transgression. The apology might be sincere, but in some sexual fantasies, men eroticize the idea of a dishonest apology. In this case, the woman might try her best to express regret for her actions, but in retelling what happened, her words might betray the greater sexual satisfaction she derived from the encounter. Some men specifically enjoy this subtle humiliation.
A man with the cuckolding kink can fantasize about being cuckolded by his female partner with specific people in his life or at least with specific roles. To give a few examples, the woman can sleep with the man’s boss, the man’s best friend, or the man’s bully from high school. Some extreme fantasy cases involve brothers and fathers.
Denial
Some men fantasize about being cheated on without their knowledge and only finding out about it when the girlfriend or wife confesses, or through some other way like a female friend of hers. Other men fantasize about an ongoing cuckolding relationship where the boyfriend or husband is fully aware of his partner’s infidelity.
The woman can decide to stay with her partner because she still sees value in maintaining that relationship, which becomes an open relationship on her end. The man is of course not allowed to seek other partners, and this is almost always implied without being explicitly discussed, as the man is assumed to be unable to seek other sexual partners.
The humiliation involved in the development of a cuckolding relationship can vary in the degree of intensity. On the milder end of the spectrum, for example, the girlfriend or wife comes home after a tryst with a lover and recounts her sexual exploit to her boyfriend or husband who listens intently, deriving sexual pleasure from imagining his partner with another man. Apart from the occasional sex that the woman has with her new lovers, the relationship or marriage is otherwise perfectly normal.
On the more humiliating end of the spectrum, the woman can deny her boyfriend or husband sexual access to her. In some fantasies, this denial is complete, and sexual access becomes exclusively reserved for the woman’s lovers. In other fantasies, sexual acts come with certain conditions.
For example, the boyfriend or husband can only have sex with his female partner after she has already had sex with another man: he is effectively getting “sloppy seconds”. This is particularly humiliating if the woman let her lover ejaculate inside her and she still has that semen in her vagina when she has sex with her boyfriend or husband.
Another example is the woman denying her boyfriend or husband intercourse with her and only allowing him to perform oral sex on her, especially if she has her lover’s semen in her. This act is called a “cum cleanup” and the boyfriend or husband is expected to provide this humiliating service with his tongue. In this case, the cuckolding kink intertwines with aspects of homosexual acts.
Other kinks
The cuckolding kink can also intertwine with aspects of control of sexual pleasure if the woman decides to lock the cuckold’s penis in a chastity cage, depriving him of any sexual pleasure except for when she decides to release him.
The cuckolding kink can also involve elements of corporal punishment administered either by the woman or the bull. A particular example in this case is the beatdown fantasy, where the cuckold fantasizes about being physically assaulted by his partner’s lover or lovers. Key to this fantasy is that the woman derive sexual pleasure from witnessing the assault, thus making the whole ordeal even more humiliating for the cuckold.
The cuckolding kink can also intertwine with manipulation kinks, where the man is tricked into an arrangement where his girlfriend or wife is allowed to seek other sexual partners. This can happen, for example, in fantasies where the couple seek therapy with a female therapist, and the therapist suggests pursuing this type of arrangement due to the man’s inability to sexually please the woman.
The man can also be made to financially support his girlfriend or wife’s sexual adventures with her lovers, in which case the cuckolding kink intertwines with the financial domination kink. For example, the woman can decide to go on vacation with her lover and make the boyfriend or husband bear the expenses of the trip, paying not only for her but also for the man she is cheating on him with.
Other fantasies
Some men fantasize not just about the woman’s infidelity, but about the more general idea of her perceived promiscuity. For example, some men are aroused by the idea of going out with their girlfriend or wife while she is dressed in skimpy outfits, revealing more skin to onlooking men than modesty dictates. Similarly, the idea of the woman going out in a skirt without underwear or a top without a bra can be arousing for the same reason.
Some fantasies are about the woman being approached by other men in public while the boyfriend or husband looks on and does not interfere. This can happen in bars or in dance cland flirting with her while
Some fantasies revolve specifically around the wedding night. In such fantasies, the man anticipates having sex with his new wife on their wedding night to consummate the marriage, especially if the couple have been celibate, saving sex for that special night. To the husband’s horror, the wife informs him that she had sex with another man on that very same day. The humiliation is multiplied if the paramour is somebody close to the husband, like the best man at the wedding.
Some men fantasize about their female partner’s pregnancy from her bull. In this fantasy, the humiliation is multiplied, not only from having the girlfriend or wife pregnant with a baby that is not the cuckold’s, but also from the prospect of raising the child and investing resources in it even though it is not the cuckold’s offspring.
Servitude
Some men do not see themselves involved in the sex that the woman has with other men; they only want to hear about it after the fact. Others want to witness it without being an active participant. For example, the woman can videotape the sexual encounter and show it to the cuckold later, she can call the cuckold on the phone during sex, the cuckold can peep on the lovers from a hidden position, or he can simply be present in the room and watch the encounter without interacting with the bull. In the latter case, he can also videotape the sex himself.
Other men fantasize about being actively involved in the sexual encounter of the woman with the bull, either willingly or against their will. For example, a cuckold can be made to masturbate in the corner while the woman verbally humiliates him while having sex with her lover. The verbal humiliation typically revolves around the disparity in the sexual satisfaction that the cuckold and the bull give to the woman. The cuckold can be referred to with affectionately humiliating names such as “cucky”.
The cuckolding kink can also intertwine with aspects of worship and domestic servitude. In this case, the cuckold can be made to serve the woman in some way either before or during her sexual encounter with the bull. For example, the man can prepare the woman for her date with the lover by worshipping her feet or taking her shopping for an outfit that he pays for or driving her to her date and picking her up afterwards. In this context, some fantasies also involve aspects of financial domination. The cuckold can also be made to do chores around the house while the woman is out on a date with the bull.
The cuckold can also be made to worship the woman during the sexual encounter with the bull. For example, he can worship the woman’s feet while she is engaging in intercourse with her lover. Another popular fantasy is to lie down beneath the woman while she is either having sex with her bull in the doggy style position or performing oral sex on him.
In that fantasy, the cuckold acts as a receptable for any body fluids that drip onto his mouth, notably the woman’s saliva or vaginal secretions, as well as the bull’s pre-ejaculate or semen. If the woman is giving the bull a blowjob, she can spit in the cuckold’s mouth. The cuckold is expected to duly swallow the fluids he receives, which can contain the bull’s semen if he ejaculates in the woman’s mouth beforehand. This particular activity is referred to as “snowballing”.
Some fantasies also involve the woman bringing back a condom full of her bull’s semen to the cuckold and proceeding to feed the contents to her cuckold, who takes the treat as a humiliating display of worship to the woman.
The cuckolding kink can easily intertwine with more explicit elements of homosexual acts if the cuckold is either made or encouraged to perform humiliating acts on the bull such as giving him a blowjob to get his penis ready for the woman’s vagina.
Raceplay
Elements of race can come into play in the cuckolding kink, revolving around popular stereotypes of different ethnicities. A common raceplay scenario involves a white man’s girlfriend or wife cuckolding him with a black man in the belief that black men are sexually superior. This often incorporates the stereotype that black men have significantly larger penises than white men, hence the so-called “big black cock” (BBC). In some contexts, a woman who has a sexual preference for black men is identified with the symbol of the queen of spades, which she can tattoo on her body.
Another prominent raceplay scenario similarly involves an Asian man’s girlfriend or wife cuckolding him with a white man. The belief here is that the white man is superior, often because the Asian man is believed to have a significantly smaller penis. In this context, some people use the lesser-known expression “big white cock” (BWC).
These raceplay scenarios aim to degrade the cuckold into an even more submissive position where he is made to suffer the humiliating fate of being racially inferior to the bull.
Friendzone
The cuckolding fantasy can manifest in situations where the woman never had any sexual interest in the man in the first place. In other words, the cuckold and the woman are not in a relationship. This intertwines with kinks in the rejection category, particularly the friendzone kink.
In these fantasies, the man becomes friends with a woman he desires, but the woman only sees him as a friend and not a sexual prospect, hence the friendzone. The friendship progresses to such an extent that the woman comes to see the man as her best friend, becoming comfortable enough to share with him the salacious details of her sex life.
The man derives sexual pleasure from knowing the woman he desires is giving herself sexually to other men but not to him. He feels unworthy of sexual access to her and satisfies himself with the next best thing: to hear about the sex she has with other men. This situation is referred to as “friendzone cuckolding”.
The friendzoned man can go out with the woman and suffer seeing her being approached by other guys with whom she readily flirts. The humiliation lies in the fact that the friendzoned man is not seen as the woman’s possible romantic partner by the other men who ignore him in the pursuit of the woman. He is further humiliated if he aids in any way the mating of the woman with other men.
Hotwife
THIS SECTION IS BEING REWRITTEN
There is one class of fantasies in this category in which the aspect of humiliation is entirely absent. These fantasies—and the practice of them—are known as “hotwifing”. Like fantasies of cuckolding, a man with hotwifing fantasies is aroused at the thought of his female partner’s sexual contact with other men, in which situation she would be the “hotwife”.
In contrast to cuckolding, however, hotwife fantasies are devoid of the man’s humiliation. Whereas the cuckolding kink puts the emphasis on the cuckold’s psychological humiliation, the hotwife kink puts the emphasis on stimulating the couple’s sex life by using the extramarital sex to enhance the male partner’s sexual arousal and desire for his girlfriend or wife.2
In other words, hotwifing does not typically involve an element of the woman’s sexual dissatisfaction with her partner. The boyfriend or husband simply enjoys letting his woman have sex with other men, and this drives him to have better sex with her afterward.
It should be noted that the practice of hotwifing is different from that of swinging. In the latter, partners are exchanged with another couple. The hotwife situation, by contrast, only involves the woman getting another male partner.
In them, the man willingly lets his woman (the hotwife) have sex with another man, typically on his own suggestion, either in his absence or while he watches. either in his absence of while he watches or even participates.
I remember hearing a pornstar relate having a boyfriend who would hide in a closet with a one-way mirror while she had sex with another man in their bed. She would then kick the man out of the house and the boyfriend would jump out of the closet and have sex with her in a heightened state of erotic excitement.
Cuckolding vs. hotwifing
Whereas the power dynamic is crucial to the cuckolding kink, it is absent from the hotwife practice. In hotwifing, the control lies more so with the boyfriend or husband who typically orchestrates the extramarital sex the woman is having. As such, it is not clear at all if hotwifing should come under the umbrella of male submissive sexual fantasies.
From an objective point of view, the hotwife and the cuckold scenarios have the same consequence: the woman has sex with a man other than her partner, whether or not he has knowledge of it, and whether or not he consents to it. Evolutionarily speaking, he runs the risk of being cuckolded all the same.
Krafft-Ebing, in his Psychopathia Sexualis, coined the expression “latent masochism”, hypothesizing that some sexual fantasies carry a submissive motive that remains unconscious to the man’s mind. The man, unaware of the submissive element of his fantasies, comes to give them an independent significance.3 Thus, it could be that the same submissive sexual drive underlies both the hotwife and the cuckolding kinks. If this drive remains latent, that is to say unconscious to the man who experiences it, it could result in hotwife fantasies. If, on the other hand, the drive becomes manifest, it could result in cuckolding fantasies.
Put differently, it could very well be that the same neural circuitry is at play in both cases, but some unknown factor controls the latency or manifestation of the submissive drive. This unknown factor would probably have to do with the man’s lived experience. For example, if the man’s lived experience leads him to harbor feelings of sexual inadequacy, the submissive drive could become manifest in his sexual fantasies, leading to the cuckolding kink. If, on the other hand, his lived experience leads him to have a good sexual self-esteem, the submissive drive could remain latent, resulting in hotwife fantasies.
This concludes a survey of the kinks involved in the category of female sexual infidelity. If you think something is missing from this overview, leave a comment and share your thoughts. You can also message me on Substack or on Reddit if you wish to remain anonymous and discuss privately.
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The line art in this essay’s card is by Georgian artist Dorian Chelios.
For more on the evolutionary psychology of jealousy, see Buss, David M. (2000). The Dangerous Passion: Why Jealousy Is as Necessary as Love and Sex. The Free Press.
For more on the hotwife lifestyle, consult Ley, David J. (2019). Insatiable Wives: Women Who Stray and the Men Who Love Them. Rowman & Littlefield Publishers.
Krafft-Ebing, Richard von. (1965). Psychopathia Sexualis. Translated from the twelfth German edition by Franklin S. Klaf. Stein and Day. (Originally published in 1886.) The concept of latent masochism is discussed in several places in the text, though not specifically in relation to sexual fantasies of infidelity.