Male Masochism: Celibacy fantasies
Learn about the psychology of men’s submissive kinks in short digestible pieces. In this entry, men’s sexual fantasies of being celibate.
Sex is an important part of a man’s life, but getting it is hard for most men. As women are the sexual selectors of the species and the guardians of this basic need, it is they who decide if a man obtains sex or not. Whenever a man secures a sexual encounter with a woman, he typically experiences a sense of conquest, especially if he desired the intimacy and pursued it beforehand, and if the woman did not easily grant access to her sexuality.
Sexual encounters with attractive women make a man feel more confident about himself, as an attractive woman’s concession to have sex with him—and even more so her active desire for it—is proof that he is a valuable mate on the dating market. The contrary also holds: a man’s failure to obtain sex from the women he desires is detrimental to his confidence, as their rejection signals the man’s low value as a mate.
The importance of sex in a man’s life is the backdrop of erotic fantasies of celibacy in male masochism. The men who have these fantasies are aroused by the idea of their failure to interest women in sex and their consequential celibacy. These imagined scenarios turn a dismal situation into a source of erotic stimulation. The man’s lack of sexual success with women due to his inadequacy as a mate, his lonely celibate life devoid of the pleasures of the feminine flesh, and his reliance on pornography and masturbation to fill the void are all prominent features in these fantasies.
The masochist who fantasizes about his celibacy likes to be reminded by an attractive woman of his undesirability as a mate, the glaring evidence for which is his lack of sexual success with women. Beyond his inability to get sex, he may also be humiliated for his failure to secure a romantic partner to experience the happiness of being in a romantic relationship in which he feels loved and wanted by an intimate partner. The dominant woman in these fantasies mocks the man for his sorry, involuntary state of celibacy, fraught with the unbearable feeling of loneliness. By confronting him with this desolate reality, she adds insult to injury—to the frustration already felt after his repeated failed attempts to change his situation.
The man’s contemplation of his involuntary celibacy is especially agonizing on the occasions when others are imagined to be mingling for the purpose of romantic or sexual connection. For instance, the celibate masochist may be ridiculed for staying home on a Friday night while more adequate men venture out into bars and clubs to meet women, flirt with them, and eventually take them to bed. In this regard, Valentine’s Day, the yearly celebration of romantic love, has a singular significance for the celibate masochist. While he spends it alone without an intimate partner, more adequate men use the occasion to celebrate a romantically and sexually fulfilled life with the company of precisely those women whom the masochist desires but cannot have.
This agony is a source of arousal for the masochist, especially when he imagines scenarios in which an attractive woman finds joy in rubbing salt in his wound. He wants her to tell him that she will never be with a man like him, that she and other women in her league only have eyes for adequate men who are successful with women. He wants her to contrast him with those men, to lay bare his inadequacies, and to make him acknowledge his inferiority.
With his inability to secure sex with women, the masochist is imagined to turn to masturbation and pornography as an outlet for his unmet sexual needs. The reduction of the celibate man’s sex life to masturbation and pornography provides another avenue for his humiliation. He may fantasize about being mocked and ridiculed by an attractive woman for his sorry state, forced to substitute his hand for the vagina he cannot feel, images on a screen for the women he cannot have, and videos of other men having sex for the experiences he cannot obtain. The dominant woman may deride the masochist for his predicament by telling him that the closest thing he could ever feel to a vagina is an artificial sex toy, and by equating the hand he uses to masturbate to his only loyal companion.
The involuntarily celibate masochist may fantasize about accepting his fate of celibacy by force of circumstance. He may imagine scenarios where a dominant woman encourages him to refrain from interacting with women with romantic or sexual intent, for these attempts only cause harm and inconvenience to women, as they neither wish to date nor sleep with him. In light of this, the masochist may come to see his involuntary celibacy as a positive thing for women: since they clearly do not desire him, he does them a favor by staying home instead of going out and socially interacting with them in futile attempts that would only get in the way of their pursuit of the men they truly desire.
The celibate masochist may even be aroused by the thought of confronting the women he unsuccessfully courted in the past, apologizing to them for ever thinking he had a chance with them, and begging them for forgiveness for his foolish audacity to pursue them. This regret is greater in the case of women whom the masochist had sex with in the past. He may feel like he did not deserve to experience those women sexually, that those women probably regretted having sex with him, and that those sexual encounters were therefore flukes that should have never happened. These abasing thoughts are all the more erotic when the masochist imagines that they are validated by an attractive woman.
This thought process ultimately leads the masochist to the possibility of accepting his celibate fate and embracing it as a positive choice instead of experiencing it as an involuntary affliction. This acceptance is a crucial and highly erotic moment in masochistic fantasies of celibacy, captured in the useful device of the so-called “pussy-free” pledge. The man who takes this pledge ceases all efforts to pursue women for the purpose of having sex with them, accepts that intimacy with women—symbolically reduced to sexual intercourse—is not meant for men like him, and vows to remain “pussy-free” for the rest of his life because he is unworthy of it.
The masochist’s pledge of lifelong celibacy is imagined to mark a turning point in his life when he abandons the futile pursuit of something he does not deserve to have. This opens up the opportunity for him to experience women differently by dedicating himself to serving them and making their lives easier without expecting their reciprocation with intimacy. Thus, his carnal desires, which used to cause him much agony for his inability to fulfill them, find sublimation in his new role of platonic service to women.
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Further reading
Why are some men aroused by the idea of being celibate? Because these fantasies primarily express the theme of the man’s failure to obtain sexual access to women. This basic theme is one of several sources of erotic stimulation in men’s masochism. Read more about it below. 👇
