The structure of male submissive sexual fantasies: Denial of sexual access
The category that deals with sexual fantasies of rejection, friendzone, loser, beta male, simp, virgin humiliation, censoring, ignore, tease and denial, etc., and how they intertwine with other kinks.
This is part of a series of essays that collectively survey male submissive kinks. Find the Table of contents here.
Some men have sexual fantasies of being denied access to a woman’s sexuality. This denial can manifest in a range of different scenarios, from a woman’s rejection of a date offer or a sexual advance, to a wife’s denial of sex to her husband. The common theme in all these fantasies is the man’s failure to obtain sexual access to the woman, which is essential in the pursuit of his reproductive strategy.
This category explores the kinks that lie at the heart of these fantasies of denial of sex. The prominent scenarios reviewed include those in which the man is rejected or friendzoned, those in which he is humiliated for such things as being a loser or a virgin, those in which he is characterized as a simp or a beta male, those in which sexually arousing material is censored, and finally the scenarios in which the man is ignored by the woman and those in which he is teased and denied.
Rejection
The sexual fantasies of denial of access to a woman’s sexuality can take many forms in the erotic imagination of men. In some, the man makes an advance toward the woman, perhaps asking her out on a date or confessing his romantic feelings for her, but she turns him down, foiling his attempt at obtaining sexual access to her.
The woman can adopt different attitudes in this type of situation. She can be courteous, if she politely informs the man that she does not reciprocate his feelings and perhaps even apologizes for it. She can also take a less polite approach to his advances, laughing at what seems to her like a ridiculous situation for the man to ask her out when she is clearly out of his league.
In yet other scenarios, the woman adopts an angry attitude, taking offense at the man’s audacity to make advances toward her, castigating him for it and putting him back in his place. She explicitly informs him that he has no chance with her and that she would never consider him as a romantic or a sexual option. Perhaps she even tells him that the mere idea of it disgusts her. In short, the man does not deserve her because he does not rise to her standards in men.
Fantasies of rejection often play on the upset of expectations. The higher the man’s expectations, the more crushing the rejection, and the more arousing the situation in consequence. The disappointment is greatest in situations where the man has great romantic investment in the woman, such as if he has a crush on her or if he has already fallen in love.
Rationales for rejection
In fantasies of rejection, any shortcoming of the man in relation to the traits and attributes that women seek in partners can be part of the rationale for the woman’s rejection of the advance. These shortcomings include being too short, too old, too fat, too scrawny, and not manly enough. Notably, the rejection can also be due to the man’s penis size if it is deemed to be too small for the woman’s satisfaction. In this case, these fantasies intertwine with small penis humiliation and similar themes of sexual inadequacy.
Another reason for rejection is race or ethnicity. A man of a given ethnic background can fantasize about being unworthy of a woman of an ethnicity believed to be superior. For example, a white man might see black women as beings of a superior race in his erotic imagination and a black man might see white women in the same way. Similarly, men from certain parts of the world might see European women as superior.
These elements of “raceplay” can intertwine with aspects of worship and servility, where the inferior man believes it is his natural place to worship the superior woman as a goddess or to serve her as a servant or a slave. Elements of cuckolding can be incorporated if the man imagines that the woman has sex with men of equal or superior racial standing to her while he could never dream of having sex with her because of his inferior race.
In these fantasies, some men like to be overtly humiliated for being of an inferior race or ethnicity. In this case, the woman can use racial slurs in her verbal humiliation of the man as yet another avenue for expressing the rejection kink. Religion can serve in much the same way for some men, with profane words and blasphemous acts functioning as indirect humiliation methods.
Loser
Men who fantasize about harsh rejection often derive pleasure from being called humiliating names that are degrading to their masculinity. These names represent the opposite pole of what women seek in an ideal male partner. For this verbal humiliation, there is no shortage of words: loser, wimp, wuss, pathetic, weak, useless, worthless, failure, etc. Gestures can also come into play, with the most prominent being the loser “L” symbol and the middle finger.
In her verbal humiliation of the man, the woman can also tell him that his sex life completely revolves around masturbating and watching pornography, or that the only thing he will ever have sex with is his hand or a fleshlight (a sex toy in the form of a vagina). The woman can blame the man for his own fate by telling him, for example, that watching pornography ruined him and that he brought his loser fate on himself.
Some men fantasize about apologizing to the women they have desired in the past, begging forgiveness for their audacity to pursue them. Similarly, they can fantasize about apologizing to the women they had sex with, eroticizing the idea that they did not deserve to have sexual access to those women. In other words, they believe their past sexual conquests to be flukes. The humiliation of apology is even more intense if it is a dominating woman who is forcing the man to apologize.
This humiliation can also include corporal punishment where the man is made to suffer physical pain and torment for the transgression of making advances toward the woman. The punishment, often directed to the man’s genitals, serves as a reminder to the man of his inferior position.
Beta male
In recent times, sexual fantasies of rejection have been cast in the internet terminology of so-called “alpha males” and “beta males”. The former represent the men that women really desire, the men who excite them sexually, the men that women want to have sex with. The latter, the betas, represent the men who lack the traits and attributes that women seek. In consequence, beta males are doomed to desire women with no reciprocity on the part of their objects of desire.
The terminology of “alpha” and “beta” comes from the zoological study of dominance hierarchies in animals. The males, competing for limited access to resources and mates, establish a pecking order wherein the betas adopt a submissive attitude toward the alphas who end up with disproportionately more reproductive success with the females of the species.
In sexual fantasies of rejection, the woman can turn the man down because he is a beta male, unable to live up to the high standards of the alpha that the woman truly desires. In this context, the duality of alpha and beta can be potent in the erotic fancy of submissive men.
In these fantasies, the woman is imagined to have a preference for “bad boys” (the alpha males). These men do not care about her; they only use her for sex. They can even mistreat her or psychologically torment her, yet she is sexually attracted to them. She desires them and she readily makes herself sexually available to them.
In contrast, the “nice guy” (the beta male) devotes great attention to the woman, invests time and resources in her, is always there for her when she needs him, yet she is not sexually attracted to him.
A particularly arousing element in these fantasies is when the woman complains to the beta male about her predicament: that she is attracted to those bad boys despite her best efforts, that she knows they are not good for her but she cannot help it, that it is stronger than her, that no matter how hard she tries, she finds it futile to fight the urge to give herself to those alpha men. In contrast, she knows that the beta male is good for her but she does not see herself ever being with him because he does not sexually arouse her.
In some fantasies, the woman is oblivious to the beta man’s romantic interest, despite the time and resources he invests in her. For the man who has these fantasies, it can be particularly arousing to be told by the woman that he is such a great guy and that a woman would be very lucky to have him, that is so sweet and nice and would make the perfect boyfriend. The man then wonders in envy why the woman herself would not date him if that is what she thinks of him. His arousal lies in the woman’s cognitive dissonance.
In the alpha and beta dynamic, some men fantasize about winning the woman over when she grows older and finally decides to settle for the “nice guy”. After spending her youth pursuing bad boys who only wanted her for her body, and after racking up sexual partners in her promiscuous days, the woman finally decides to settle for the beta male simply because he is a provider.
In these fantasies, there is a prominent element of retrospective cuckolding as the man imagines himself unable to sexually arouse the woman like those bad boys of the past. There can also be an element of financial domination as the woman only settles for the man because he is a provider, not because she loves him or is sexually attracted to him, but simply because she is assured a comfortable future with him.
Acceptance
The humiliation of not living up to a woman’s standards can be especially arousing in the man’s objective contemplation of his traits and attributes and his assessment of his mate value. Some fantasies revolve around the man’s realization that he is not an alpha or a real man, but rather just a loser or a beta male.
In these fantasies, the man goes through a process of disillusionment of his potential in the realm of sex and love. His hopes and aspirations of attracting the interest of a woman who is romantically and sexually interested in him vanish before his eyes as he learns to accept the truth that he is not worthy of women and that he will never have what he hoped for all his life.
In other words, the man’s beliefs about his high mate value are shattered and he learns to accept the desolate reality that his value is much lower than he previously believed. This process can be facilitated by a dominating woman who reiterates these harsh truths to the man, possibly making him repeat them out loud to himself as a way of reinforcing the new beliefs.
Loneliness
The man’s loneliness can be eroticized as a sign of his low status as a loser and of his inability to attract women. He can be contrasted with other men who are successful with women, and he can be made to contemplate and acknowledge the differences between him and those successful men.
The man’s loneliness is most prominent on occasions when everyone is assumed to be having a good time, like Friday nights for example. While others go out to bars and clubs to party, the loser stays home and masturbates in his loneliness. To humiliate him even more, he can be made to think of the hand he uses to pleasure himself as his only loyal companion.
Valentine’s Day is another special occasion on which the man can be humiliated for his lack of a female partner. While other men are supposed to spend the day with their girlfriends and have sex with them on that special day, the loser stays home alone masturbating.
Friendzone
A variant flavor of rejection fantasies has a different outcome. After the woman rejects the man, she informs him that she prefers to stay friends with him, that she only sees him as a platonic friend and not a romantic or a sexual partner. In such a case, the man is said to be put in the “friendzone”, or “friendzoned” for short.
In the real world, the friendzone is a dreadful place to be for many men who try their best to get out of it or to not fall into it in the first place. Their efforts often go in vain. Some men eroticize the idea of being in the friendzone, doomed to experience the woman they desire only platonically. Being friendzoned is another expression of the man’s denial of romantic and sexual access to the woman. Such a denial is a humiliation to him, but this humiliation is often kept implicit in friendzone fantasies.
As the woman’s platonic friend, the man is destined to provide her with all the services and privileges of a boyfriend, save for the one important area of sex, where he is completely denied access, forever. In such a dynamic, the woman does not reciprocate with anything. The man feels himself privileged to be able to enjoy the woman’s friendship. He feels it is all he could hope to get as the inferior man he is, in his desperate yearning for a woman so evidently out of his league.
Friendzone fantasies can intertwine with the chastity kink if the woman chooses to impose it on the man as a condition to be friends with him. By locking his penis in a cage, the man is prevented from being sexually aroused by the woman. In these fantasies, chastity is often imposed only when the man is in the woman’s presence. This assures her that their interaction will remain wholly platonic on his end. In some fantasies, however, the woman can impose permanent chastity by holding on to the key to the man’s cage, thus gaining full control over his sexual pleasure.
Bestie
In some friendzone fantasies, the man eroticizes the idea of being the woman’s best friend, or “bestie” for short, the friend with whom she shares everything about her life—in a platonic way, of course. Most notably, she can share with her bestie the details of her sex life with other men.
The bestie gets aroused by hearing the sexual exploits of the woman he is practically in love with, living his desire for her vicariously through the tales she shares with him. These fantasies can involve strong aspects of cuckolding where the woman gives herself to other men while denying the bestie. He is made to suffer this humiliation despite all the attention and privileges he bestows on the woman he desires.
When the woman considers the man her bestie, she can come to treat him almost as a girlfriend. As such, these fantasies can intertwine with kinks of feminization, where the man is made to do “girly” things with the woman: going shopping with her, gossiping about the men in her life, being made to wear female clothes just for fun, and so on and so forth. Some men derive great sexual satisfaction from this humiliation.
In some fantasies, the dynamic between the man and the woman starts off as an innocent friendship, and when the man confesses his feelings to the woman, she reacts by telling him she always thought he was gay. These fantasies and others play on the popular trope of the attractive woman who has a gay male best friend. Complications in a woman’s friendship with a heterosexual male inevitably arise because sexual attraction or romantic interest is always lurking beneath the surface. If, however, the man is homosexual, the woman need not worry about any complications to their friendship.
When the man is considered a gay bestie, he is not only denied sexual access to the woman, but his whole sexual orientation comes to be questioned by her. Accordingly, these fantasies intertwine with the kinks of the corruption of the man’s sexual orientation. The woman can encourage her gay bestie to consider exploring his sexuality with men rather than women, seeing as he is unable to get sex with women anyway. This is a humiliating prospect for the man, and this humiliation arouses him in consequence.
In friendzone fantasies, the man’s sexual orientation can also be corrupted in the direction of asexuality. When the woman believes her male friend to be asexual, he is stripped in her eyes of all his sexual desire, becoming virtually castrated.
Virgin
If the man happens to be a virgin, this element can be incorporated in rejection fantasies where the woman laughs at him for failing to lose his virginity all his life. The older the man, the more cause for embarrassment this affords.
In these fantasies, the woman can humiliate the man not only for her rejection of him, but also for every other woman’s. She can tell him that he will never be able to lose his virginity and that he should just accept his fate as a perpetual virgin, a virgin-for-life.
If the man is not a virgin but has not had sex in a while, the woman can still humiliate him for his failure to attract women. She can predict his lifelong celibacy and encourage him to stop trying. She can also tell him that the times he had sex were simply errors that should have never happened, that he probably failed to satisfy the women he slept with anyway, and that they probably regretted having sex with him afterward.
In this context, the woman can humiliate the man by telling him that he needs to feel regret as well, that he should have always refrained from pursuing sex with women because he is not man enough to obtain it, and that he should apologize to his past sexual partners for his transgressions.
While some fantasies are about the man’s virginity, others are about his pledge of future celibacy. The man, regardless of his sexual past, can be made to vow to remain celibate for the rest of his life, believing himself unworthy of getting sex from women and promising not to inconvenience them by pursuing them. Such a celibacy pledge is also known as a “pussy-free” pledge.
Simp
In fantasies of rejection, the privilege of enjoying a woman’s sexuality is imagined to be reserved for real men, the alphas, not the beta males and the losers who should really avoid making women uncomfortable by trying to date them and to have sex with them. They should simply understand that they should not pursue something not meant for them.
This does not mean that the inferior men should be segregated from women forever. They can still enjoy women platonically by serving them in other ways and by making their lives easier without ever hoping to get any romantic or sexual access to them, even though that is what they desperately yearn for.
In internet terminology, when a man pursues a woman in the hope of a romantic or sexual relationship, showering her with attention and being at her beck and call, and when the woman enjoys these benefits without ever reciprocating or having the intention to, the man is called a “simp” and the behavior is referred to as “simping”. This is also a theme in sexual fantasies of rejection, where men eroticize their humiliating status as simps to beautiful attractive women.
The rejection can be explicit if the woman makes it clear to the man that he has no chance with her but he continues simping in desperation, or it can be implicit if the woman leads the man on, taking advantage of all the material benefits she derives from him and making him believe that maybe, just maybe, one day she will give in to his advances. All the while, the woman never really has the intention of getting romantically or sexually involved with the man.
If the man bestows money or gifts on the woman, these fantasies can intertwine with aspects of financial domination. In some scenarios, these material benefits can be the sole reason the woman accepts to stay friends with the man and to allow him continued platonic access to her. In return, the man is forced to spend money on the woman.
Censoring
On the internet, some men with sexual fantasies of rejection derive satisfaction from denying themselves the pleasure of viewing the conventionally attractive parts of the female body. Accordingly, they censor images and videos of women’s breasts, buttocks, and genitalia.
The act of censoring is often accomplished through pixelation and blurring. The pixels and blurs can come to hold the significance of rejection in the erotic imagination of these men as they deem themselves unworthy of having the uncensored view.
In the age of ubiquitous access to pornography, where the spectacle of female sexuality is one click away for anyone to watch, these men derive pleasure from denying themselves what is readily available to them.
Thus, fantasies of rejection extend from the realm of sexual relations to the private domain of masturbation, where the man not only believes he does not deserve to have sex with women, but he also believes he does not deserve to look at them naked in his private viewing of pornographic material.
Some of these men enjoy viewing censored pornography, where the body parts of the women and the sexual acts performed are purposely pixelated or otherwise obfuscated from the viewer’s eyes. For men who also enjoy kinks of encouraged homosexuality, the obfuscation of the woman’s genitalia and other body parts can shift the focus to the male genitalia which remains uncensored. In this case, the viewer’s focus is shifted to the penis and his homosexual feeling is encouraged.
Some men fantasize about having all the pictures of a woman they desire be censored. They fantasize about forever losing access to the original uncensored pictures and only holding on to the censored versions. They imagine themselves being forced to only view these “safe” pictures, which are more appropriate for them as they are not worthy of the uncensored view. Such material is often referred to as “beta-safe”, that is to say safe for consumption by beta males. Uncensored pictures, for their part, are reserved for alpha men.
In accordance with how pathetic the man feels himself to be in relation to the woman, he might even feel like he does not deserve to see the woman in revealing outfits. As such, even non-pornographic material like simple images of clothed women can get censored and become arousing to men with these fantasies.
Some men go so far as to censor the woman’s eyes in photographs, denying themselves the chance of looking her in the eyes, believing they should rather always be looking down to be respectful, cognizant of their inferiority in relation to her.
Oftentimes in these fantasies, the focus is shifted to other parts of the female body, such as the feet or the belly or the hands or the armpits, and the beta male is made to suffer his humiliating fate of only being able to see these parts because they are the only parts he truly deserves. From this, he can derive great sexual pleasure. In turn, even these humiliating body parts can be censored if the man feels like he does not even deserve to see them.
Worship
In general, fantasies of denial of sexual access to the woman often involve aspects of female worship. After the woman rejects the man or denies him access to her sexuality, she naturally rises to the status of the unattainable goddess, and the man naturally falls to the position of serving her from an inferior place.
In accordance with this dynamic, the desire of the man, which used to be focused on the conventional sexual body parts of the woman like her breasts and vagina, shifts to other body parts that are humiliating such as her feet and her armpits.
Aspects of the man’s soiling can be involved if the focus is shifted to the woman’s body fluids, like her spit, her sweat, or her urine. The focus can also be shifted to the woman’s articles of clothing like her dirty socks and her soiled underwear. In the man’s erotic imagination, these substances and garments can become substitutes for a proper romantic or sexual relationship with the woman. The man who fantasizes about being a loser or a beta male can feel like these substitutes are more appropriate for him as they are the only things he can hope to get from the woman.
Ignore
A particular fantasy of denial of sexual access is for the woman to not take any notice of the man. She completely ignores him, even when he is present in her immediate vicinity. The man eroticizes the idea of being so unworthy of the woman that he becomes almost invisible to her.
In these fantasies of being ignored, the woman can carry on normal activities like reading a book or scrolling on her phone while being completely oblivious to the man’s presence. This can be accompanied for example by a prominent display of the woman’s feet, to which the man’s attention is shifted.
Some fantasies involve the man’s masturbation in front of a woman who is oblivious to his presence in the aforementioned fashion. These fantasies often culminate in the man’s ejaculation on the woman’s body, an act that does not disconcert her in the least. She carries on her activity as if nothing had happened, not paying the slightest attention to the man or his semen on her body.
Tease and denial
Finally, there are fantasies of so-called tease and denial, where the woman teases the man only to ultimately deny him sex. In these fantasies, the woman uses her sex appeal to entice the man, driving him to a state of great sexual arousal which she leaves ungratified. The denial can take different forms and can be dealt in varying gradations. A few examples will serve to illustrate.
The man and the woman can have sex but she ceases the activities before he reaches climax, leaving him frustrated. This can happen, for example, if the woman climaxes and leaves before the man finishes. More denial is involved if the man is not allowed to touch the woman but she has free rein to touch him, stimulating him but ultimately leaving him with no release.
Even more denial is involved if the man is denied all sexual contact with the woman but is allowed to masturbate freely to climax. Denial continues in gradation if the man can masturbate but not climax, and, in turn, if masturbation itself is entirely forbidden.
The denial in these fantasies is usually focused on the man’s masturbation and orgasm, but it can also be focused on certain parts of the woman’s body, such as her breasts, her buttocks, or her genitalia. The woman can tease the man with these body parts hidden from him, such as when she holds her arms over her naked breasts to obfuscate the view, and the man is left, in frustration, to imagine what these body parts look like naked.
This concludes a survey of the kinks of denial of access to the woman’s sexuality. If you think something is missing from this overview, leave a comment and share your thoughts. You can also message me on Substack or on Reddit if you wish to remain anonymous and discuss privately.
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The line art in this essay’s card is by Georgian artist Dorian Chelios.