Male Masochism: Friendzone fantasies
Learn about the psychology of men’s submissive kinks in short digestible pieces. In this entry, men’s sexual fantasies of being friendzoned by women.
In modern-day interactions between the sexes, it often happens that a man becomes friends with a woman he is interested in before he ever makes a move to express his romantic or sexual interest. The man who makes such a move in the context of a friendship always fears the possibility of being in the woman’s so-called “friendzone”. This happens when she does not see him as a potential partner but merely as a platonic friend.
When the man discovers he has been “friendzoned”, the rejection is experienced as a greater blow than if the pair were not friends to begin with. This is due to the man’s greater investment in the outcome, for all the time he spent and effort he expended cultivating the woman’s friendship in the hope of ultimately winning her over. All the while—and without his knowledge—he was operating from the friendzone and his efforts were doomed in consequence.
The dreaded friendzone is a modern feature of the dating market, and many men try their best to get out of it or to avoid falling into it in the first place. For the masochist, however, the idea of the friendzone can be a powerful backdrop for the expression of the erotic theme of denial of sexual access.
In standard masochistic rejection fantasies, the man’s denial of access to the woman’s sexuality typically entails his denial of any experience of her. Friendzone fantasies differ in that they allow the man platonic access, which opens the door for him to play a role in the life of the woman he desires, a role which serves as a constant reminder of his denial as a potential mate.
There are many variations on the friendzone fantasy. The most straightforward make the rejection explicit, such as when the man confesses his feelings to the woman but she informs him that she does not reciprocate them and that she only sees him as a friend. Faced with rejection, the man chooses to continue being friends with the woman as it is all he could hope to get in his desperate yearning for a woman so evidently out of his league.
Whereas a friendship normally entails equal investment from both parties, the field is not level in the case of friendzone fantasies. As the woman’s platonic friend, the man is destined to provide her with all the services and benefits of a boyfriend, save for the one important area of intimacy, from which he is forever forbidden. In such a dynamic, the man’s desire goes unrequited as the woman never reciprocates with anything except the simple privilege of being friends with her. In the masochistic imagination, the imbalanced nature of this arrangement is seen as a corrective to the man’s inadequacy as a potential mate in seeking the friendship of an attractive woman.
Other versions of friendzone fantasies keep the rejection implicit and play on the man’s inability to communicate the nature of his interest, or on the woman’s failure to understand it despite his best efforts. For instance, he may devote a great deal of time and attention to her, showering her with gifts and treating her the way a boyfriend would, but never expressly asks her out or confesses his feelings. She, in either feigned or sincere ignorance, interprets this behavior as purely platonic, the mark of a really good friend.
Even if the man makes the tremendous effort of verbalizing his interest in the woman, she may still deflect his attempts by brushing them off as jokes. In these scenarios, the man is stuck in a particular type of friendzone: that in which it is seemingly impossible for the woman to even be aware of his feelings, which is doubly humiliating for him. These elements of manipulation on the woman’s part often augment the erotic stimulation derived from these fantasies.
Other variations of friendzone fantasies bring to the fore the man’s doubts, fears, and speculations on the reality of his rejection. Uncomfortable ideas always lurk beneath the surface in the man’s psyche vis-à-vis the woman who friendzones him. He suspects, for instance, that she thinks he does not deserve her, that she sees him as an inadequate loser, and that she purposely takes advantage of him for the benefits she enjoys in the platonic friendship.
Although the man suspects these ideas to be true, he can never be sure what the woman truly thinks as social decorum may prevent her from sincerely speaking up her mind. In some friendzone fantasies, the woman forsakes all civility and utters these harsh unspoken assumptions, thus unveiling her true character: that of a cruel manipulative woman who finds pleasure in psychologically tormenting the man in the friendzone. Much like the aforementioned scenarios in which the woman remains perpetually oblivious to the man’s interest in her, the masochistic imagination can also find pleasure in the scenarios where the unfiltered truth comes out.
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Further reading
Why are some men aroused by the idea of being friendzoned by women? Because these fantasies primarily express the theme of the man’s failure to obtain sexual access to women. This basic theme is one of several sources of erotic stimulation in men’s masochism. Read more about it below. 👇
I wish i had this kink. Would make friendzone more interesting
It seems like whatever happens, it's a win-win for these guys lol