Male Masochism: Loser fantasies
Learn about the psychology of men's submissive kinks in short digestible pieces. In this entry, men's sexual fantasies of being losers.
Women want “real” men who are successful, enjoy status, and possess resources. At the polar opposite of these preferences are the “losers”: the men whom women do not want. In men’s masochistic fantasies that express the theme of sexual denial, the state of being undesirable as a mate is singularly captured in the persona of the “loser”.
In these fantasies, the word “loser” can be a powerful device for verbal humiliation. When a woman calls a man a loser, she passes a devastating judgment on his value on the dating market. Beyond suggesting he has faults, she completely relegates him to the bottom of the dating pool in the basket of rejects from which no woman would wish to select a mate.
Other words that express the same underlying idea of undesirability can also serve the purpose of verbal humiliation. These degrading names include wimp, wuss, pathetic, weak, useless, worthless, failure, etc. Gestures, like the loser “L” sign and the middle finger, can be used to the same end.
When the masochist fantasizes about being verbally humiliated by a woman for being a loser, his arousal is often enhanced if he thinks she derives a twisted pleasure from his psychological torment. Thus, these fantasies often cast the woman in the role of the cruel “bitch” who has no sympathy for the loser and wants to humiliate him for fun.
Some fantasies play on the man’s uncertainty about his value in the dating market. In normal heterosexual mating, one’s mate value is not determined by oneself but by the other sex. Therefore, there can be a great deal of uncertainty in the subjective assessment of one’s mate value, especially since humans have, in general, a natural bias to overestimate their desirability as mates.
This uncertainty in mate value assessment is the premise of masochistic fantasies in which the man initially believes he is desirable to women—or at least, he is uncertain about where he stands relative to other men. The woman’s role in these fantasies is to shatter the man’s illusions about his mate value and to make him realize that he is just a loser, not a real man.
For this purpose, the woman may lead him on a contemplative journey in which she brings to light his shortcomings in the traits and attributes that women seek in men. To aid her in the exercise, she may compare him to other men who are more desirable. This exposure serves to drive home the reality of the man’s undesirability as a mate.
The woman effectively makes him go through a process of disillusionment regarding his potential in the realm of sex and relationships. He sees his hopes and aspirations of attracting the interest of women vanish before his eyes as he realizes that his mate value is much lower than he previously believed, and as he contemplates the desolate reality of his likely celibate future.
Following the revelation of his true mate value, the man may undergo the process of accepting himself as a loser. This process of acceptance entails understanding his place in life as an inferior being unworthy of enjoying women’s sexuality. He learns to accept that he will never have what he hoped for all his life—to be with a woman he desires—because he does not deserve such a privilege. He may, in consequence, be made to accept a different role: that of serving women rather than being with them.
The twin processes of disillusionment and acceptance often greatly benefit from the incorporation of mind control techniques. In the masochist’s erotic fancy, these techniques are imagined to have a real effect on his brain. For instance, the woman may hypnotize him to bring him to a vulnerable state of suggestibility where she makes him repeat certain mantras. These mantras are designed to reinforce the man’s realization of his low mate value and his acceptance of himself as a loser. With sufficient suspension of disbelief, the man’s verbal reiteration of these harsh truths can be a powerful additive to his erotic stimulation as he revels in loser fantasies.
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Further reading
Why are some men aroused by the idea of being seen as losers by women? Because these fantasies primarily express the theme of the man’s failure to obtain sexual access to women. This basic theme is one of several sources of erotic stimulation in men’s masochism. Read more about it below. 👇
great analysis of how mating value plays into these kinks