MASOCHISM 101: Rejection fantasies

Learn about men's submissive kinks in short digestible pieces. In this entry, men's sexual fantasies of being rejected by women.

Fantasies where a woman directly rejects a man’s interest in her express the masochistic theme of being denied sexual access to women. This may happen in situations where the man asks the woman out on a date, confesses his romantic feelings for her, or makes an overt sexual advance. In whichever way the man expresses his sexual interest a woman, his interest is always met with rejection in these fantasies, thus foiling his efforts at obtaining access to the woman’s sexuality.

In the erotic imagination of the men who fantasize about being rejected, there is a rich diversity of forms in which the rejection is dealt depending on the attitude that the woman takes. Some scenarios simulate realistic situations where the woman attempts to reject the man as courteously as possible, politely explaining that she does not reciprocate his feelings or see him in the same way he sees her. There is a natural discomfort and awkwardness in these situations as the woman tries her best not to hurt the man’s feelings.

In other scenarios, the woman disregards the man’s advance, laughing it off as a joke or brushing it off as a ridiculous proposition that does not merit serious consideration, as if the possibility of being with him were inconceivable to her mind. These situations can have a touch of manipulation, as something akin to gaslighting may be incorporated in the woman’s quick dismissal of the man’s feelings.

In yet other scenarios, all pretenses are dropped and the rejection is delivered with shocking honesty. The woman makes no efforts to conceal the true reasons that lie behind her rejection of the man. She communicates this without the considerations that usually make women prefer indirect modes of turning a man down over such a straightforward rejection.

In this brutal honesty, the man finds material for his verbal humiliation, which he duly takes without protest. The woman may tell him that she is out of his league, that he has no chance with her, and that she would never consider him as a romantic or a sexual option. In short, he simply does not rise to her standards in men.

On the extreme end of the continuum, there are fantasies in which the man triggers the woman’s anger as she takes offense at his audacity to make an advance toward her. She might even find genuine disgust in the mere idea of being with him. Besides the extreme verbal humiliation which can ensue to castigate the man, the woman’s anger can also lead to scenarios of physical punishment for the man’s transgression, which opens the door to the exploration of other masochistic themes.

Fantasies of rejection can play on the upset of expectations. The higher the man’s expectations, the more crushing the rejection, and the more arousing the situation is in consequence. The disappointment is greatest in scenarios where the man has great romantic investment in the woman, such as when he has a crush on her or is already in love with her.

There is always a rationale behind the rejection. Any shortcoming in women's preferences in men can become part of this rationale for tuning the man down. This may be based on physical traits and attributes as well as on the judgment of the man's personality as a whole.

For instance, the man may be deemed too short, too fat, or too scrawny for the woman’s taste. He may also be too old to be considered a potential mate. The failure to meet the woman’s standards may also extend to the man’s sexual ability if he is deemed inadequate to satisfy the woman in bed. In most cases of sexual inadequacy, the woman’s judgment stems from the man’s penis size, which she finds too small.

There are fantasies in which the rationale for rejection is the man’s race or ethnicity. A man of a given ethnic background may fantasize about being unworthy of women of another ethnicity whom he deems superior in his masochistic imagination. For instance, a white man may see black women as beings of a superior race while he is aroused by his submissive fantasies. The reverse also holds: a black man may see white women in the same light in his own state of arousal. This racial dynamic is found in masochistic fantasies for a variety of ethnicities.

When these elements of so-called “raceplay” are incorporated in fantasies of rejection, the woman’s overt humiliation of the man for his race or ethnicity often enhances the erotic stimulation. She may use racial slurs and evoke demeaning stereotypes to express his imagined racial inferiority. Much like race and ethnicity, differences in religion and faith can serve as part of the rationale for rejection. The verbal humiliation in this case may incorporate profanity and blasphemous acts in the pursuit of the man’s humiliation.

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