Male Masochism: Nice guy fantasies
Learn about the psychology of men's submissive kinks in short digestible pieces. In this entry, men's sexual fantasies of being nice guys instead of bad boys.
Much like the alpha–beta duality that demarcates the winners of the reproductive struggle, masochistic fantasies can also play on the dichotomy of “bad boy” and “nice guy”. This brief overview sketches the basic assumptions underlying this dichotomy.
Bad boys are the rebellious confident men who live life on the edge and engage in risky—sometimes illegal—behavior. In contrast, nice guys are the kind, respectful men who live life by the rules and are otherwise unremarkable. Women are imagined to have a natural preference for bad boys, a powerful sexual attraction drawing them to the thrill and excitement of experiences that nice guys cannot offer.
The woman wishes she could secure a bad boy for a long-term mate. The problem is that these men are only interested in her for sex, but this does not stop her from pursuing them. However much bad boys mistreat or psychologically torment the woman in the course of events, she is unable to resist her natural sexual attraction to them. Although she knows they are not good for her, she keeps going back to them, despite her best efforts. No matter how hard she tries, she finds it futile to fight the urge to make herself readily available to bad boys for sex.
Nice guys possess stability and security, which are also attributes that women seek in mates. Moreover, nice guys are loyal and devote significant time and attention to the woman they desire. They put her on a pedestal, invest resources in her, and are ready to sacrifice a lot for her sake. She knows that, in theory, a nice guy is a better choice of mate for her in the long term, but her natural predisposition shies away from these predictable bores who cannot arouse her like bad boys can.
It is in this dichotomy, in the humiliation of being a nice guy, that the erotic imagination of the masochist can find pleasure. Even though the nice guy treats the woman he desires with the utmost respect and has eyes for no other, she still throws herself into the arms of the bad boys who disrespect her and only want to use her for sex. Although the nice guy is always there for her when she needs him, she still hopelessly pursues the bad boy who is often unavailable.
Nice guys are forced to invest time and resources in a woman, take her out on fancy dates and buy her gifts, before she even contemplates the possibility of becoming intimate. Yet she puts no such barriers in the way of the bad boy with whom she readily sleeps soon after meeting him for the first time.
The humiliation of being a nice guy is made all the more apparent if the dichotomy is expressed by the woman herself, such as when she complains to the nice guy about her predicament. She may, for instance, vent to him about how she always seems to end up with “jerks” who mistreat her, and how all she wants is a man who appreciates her and treats her right. She may even lament that there are no “good guys” left or deplore how it is seemingly impossible for her to meet one. All the while, the nice guy is exactly the man she claims to want, but she is not interested in him in the least. The nice guy is invisible as a potential partner.
This cognitive dissonance on the woman’s part, when she expresses a supposed desire for a nice guy which is at odds with the choices she makes in her dating life, can be thrilling for the man whose masochistic imagination dwells on this dichotomy. The woman may even tell him that he is such a great guy and that he would make an amazing partner for the lucky woman who will have him, yet she remains astoundingly oblivious to his interest in her. The man wonders in envy why she fails to see him as an option if she truly thinks those things about him.
The woman’s praise of those attributes that make the man a nice guy instead of a bad boy—such as being sweet, nice, kind, and caring—can be experienced as an erotic humiliation because the man knows that it is precisely because he possesses those attributes that he does not stand a chance with the woman.
When the woman grows older, after spending her promiscuous youth pursuing bad boys and racking up sexual partners, she may eventually decide to settle for a nice guy as a long-term mate. She does this, however, purely for the nice guy’s role as a financial provider. This scenario is another avenue for erotic stimulation in the nice guy’s humiliation, the idea of sitting on the sidelines for years, waiting for the woman while she has her fun with other men. The nice guy is aware that she is only settling for him because she could not secure a bad boy as a long-term mate, not because she genuinely loves him, respects him, and sees him as her world.
The contrast in the woman’s sexual arousal from the nice guy she settles for, compared with the bad boys who were her previous sexual partners, as well as the man’s knowledge of her past promiscuity and of how easily she gave herself to bad boys, amount to a form of retrospective cuckolding which can add to the erotic mix of humiliation in these scenarios.
👍 Leave a like on this post and tell me your thoughts about it in the comments.
Further reading
Why are some men aroused by the idea of being seen as nice guys by women? Because these fantasies primarily express the theme of the man’s failure to obtain sexual access to women. This basic theme is one of several sources of erotic stimulation in men’s masochism. Read more about it below. 👇
The cognitive dissonance is real lmao
Nice guys finish last!!