Sluts & losers: How sex differences in masochism are shaped by evolution

Evolutionary psychology provides a unified explanation for why male masochists fantasize about being losers while female masochists fantasize about being sluts, a major sex difference in masochism.

Nov 26, 2024

Masochism occurs in both sexes, but it does not always take the same forms. When the phenomenon of submissive sexual fantasies was first studied in the late 19th century, scientific inquiry had more success peering into the hidden submissive desires of men than those of women. Custom made women’s sexuality much more taboo than men’s. Today, we have a much better understanding of the submissive sexual fantasies of both sexes.

From this knowledge, it has become clear that some of the themes underlying these fantasies occur in both men and women while other themes appear to occur exclusively in one sex only. The question of sex differences in masochism continues to be a mystery that no past answer has satisfactorily resolved. In this essay, I show how an evolutionary view of masochism offers a unified explanation for differences that otherwise would appear to have little to do with one another.

Sex differences in masochism

One of the prominent themes of male masochism is the man’s failure to obtain access to a woman’s sexuality. It is common for male masochists to fantasize about being denied sex by women, and to desire to be humiliated for their failure to attract them. These men like to be called losers who do not deserve to have sex with women.1

One of the prominent themes of female masochism is the woman’s promiscuity. The erotic imagination of female masochists often dwells on fantasies in which they engage in licentious sex, ridding themselves of all the unspoken rules that would normally impose hard limits on such behavior in real life. These women like to be called sluts, whores, and other names that carry the shared connotation of promiscuity.

These names—loser and slut, and similar ones in meaning—are potent stimuli in the erotic imagination of male and female masochists, respectively. The thought of being called these names, and actually hearing them in sexual play, can cause sexual arousal or enhance it because of the significance carried by these labels: failure for the man to obtain sex; promiscuity for the woman.

These masochistic themes are strongly specific to each sex. You will be hard-pressed to find a male masochist who likes to be humiliated for having too much sex with too many women, just as you will be to find a female masochist who likes to be humiliated for trying but failing to attract a man’s interest.

What does the man who derives pleasure from being denied access to women have in common with the woman who fantasizes about her debauchery with men? At first glance, it would appear that these themes not only have little to do with one another, but they even seem contradictory. The answer, however, lies in evolutionary psychology.

Evolved mate preferences

Men and women have preferences for choosing long-term mates. These preferences are the sets of traits and attributes that men and women look for in each other when selecting a mate. According to the evolutionary psychologists, mate preferences are the product of evolution because they show remarkable stability across widely different cultures.2

These psychologists believe that evolutionary pressures in the past have shaped our mate preferences over time, with natural selection guiding the development of preferences for mates who maximize our chances of survival and successful reproduction in the ancestral environment. Mate preferences are therefore thought to be evolved adaptations. Since men and women historically faced different evolutionary pressures, they have evolved different preferences for long-term mates.

Women place a high premium on status and resources when selecting a long-term mate. These are the attributes in men that secure the protection and investment necessary for women during gestation and child-rearing. Status and resources in a man favor the success of a woman’s long-term reproductive strategy. Women who selected men with low status and poor resources had fewer chances of survival and successful reproduction.

Men place a high premium on chastity when selecting a long-term mate. A woman’s sexual purity is a strong signal of her future fidelity, which is primordial for men to ensure their fatherhood of the offspring they will raise with her. Chastity in a woman favors the success of a man’s long-term reproductive strategy. Men who selected promiscuous women faced a higher likelihood of cuckoldry, which reduced their chances of successfully passing on their genes.

These evolutionary pressures are thought to have shaped our mate preferences through natural selection. Of course, there are other traits and attributes involved in mate preferences, but the aforementioned ones are perhaps the most prominent qualities that the sexes seek in each other when selecting a long-term mate, to ensure successful reproduction and propagation of genes.

If we put these mate preferences on a scale, we can imagine the following caricatural—although reasonable—approximation.

Female preferences

At the lower end of the scale of female mate preferences for men, we find the caricature of the “beta loser” who severely lacks resources and has a very low status in society. Women would never want to consider the “beta loser” as an option. They instinctually run away in disgust at the idea of dating him.

At the higher end of the scale of female mate preferences, we find the caricature of the “successful alpha” that all women are after. The “successful alpha” is the man who is rich in resources and enjoys a high status in the male dominance hierarchy, the holy grail for women in the game of reproduction.

Male preferences

At the lower end of the scale of male preferences for women, we find the caricature of the “promiscuous slut” who easily gives access to her sexuality and has slept with many men in the past. Men are instinctually repulsed by the idea of selecting the “promiscuous slut” as a long-term mate.

At the higher end of the scale of male preferences, we find the caricature of the “virtuous virgin”, the woman who has never been touched by a man in the past and who will offer her sexuality exclusively to her husband. Men have an instinctual preference for being the only man to experience a woman sexually.

Perfect equivalence

There is a remarkable correspondence between the evolved mate preferences of men and women, and the aforementioned sex-specific ways in which masochists express some of their desires. The fantasies of “sluts” and “losers” eroticize the failure of one sex to meet the evolved preferences of the other for long-term mate selection. For men, this is the failure to acquire resources and achieve status to attract women. For women, it is the failure to preserve sexual purity to qualify as chaste mates for men.

In masochistic fantasies, these states of failure are pushed to their limits. On the scales of mate preferences, the masochist fantasizes about being the lowest of the lows. Thus, the man is not only imagined to lack resources and have low status, but he becomes a complete loser that no woman would ever want. Likewise, the unchaste woman becomes a total slut whose sexuality is cheap and immediately accessible.

To masochistic men who fantasize about being losers, it is clear that they are fantasizing about being undesirable as mates to women. The equivalent, however, may not be immediately apparent: women who fantasize about being sluts are not necessarily aware that they are fantasizing, in the abstract, about being undesirable as mates, especially if they are from a culture where sexual relations have been freed from religious norms.

It is reasonable, then, to speculate that what goes on in the head of the man who fantasizes about being a loser is not any different from what goes on in the head of the woman who fantasizes about being a slut. Strictly from a psychological perspective, they are both essentially fantasizing about degrading themselves in terms of the other sex’s preferences for long-term mate selection.

Conclusion

One major sex difference in masochism is men who fantasize about being denied access to women’s sexuality and women who fantasize about being promiscuous. The theme of denial of sexual access, which is only prominent in male masochism, appears on the surface to have little to do with the theme of promiscuity, which is prominent in female masochism only. When viewed from an evolutionary perspective, however, these two themes are revealed to be perfect equivalents: they fundamentally express the degradation of the other sex’s evolved preferences for long-term mates. The different ways in which mate preferences have evolved in each sex have also shaped some expressions of masochism in sex-specific ways, of which the fantasies of being sluts and losers are a definite example.

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For a comprehensive survey of the psychology of this theme of male masochism, see β, Ph.D. (2024). The thematic structure of male masochism: Denial of sexual access. Beta Chronicles: Sexual Psychology & Science.

For an overview of evolved mate preferences, see Buss, David M. (2016). The Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating. Fourth edition (revised and updated). Basic Books.