The evolutionary psychology of male masochism: Cuckolding (Part 1)
In this first part, male jealousy: its forms of expression in mate retention tactics and deterrence strategies against female infidelity, and the functions it serves for both men and women.
One of the themes of male submissive sexual fantasies is the female partner’s infidelity. This is the core element in so-called cuckolding fantasies, in which the man imagines various scenarios of his romantic partner’s unfaithfulness and her conquest by a rival.1
In this essay, I explore this theme from an evolutionary perspective. In accordance with my evolutionary theory of masochism, I argue the case that, like all submissive sexual fantasies, those of female infidelity eroticize the failure of long-term reproductive strategy.
This essay is composed of four parts. In this first part, I motivate the subject by discussing male jealousy, exploring the functions it serves for both men and women, and delving into its forms of expression in mate retention tactics and deterrence strategies against female infidelity.
Expressions of male jealousy
Men harbor feelings of jealousy regarding their female partners.2 Male jealousy is a complex passion that manifests in feelings of insecurity, fear, or anxiety over the threat of the female partner’s infidelity with a potential rival. This passion is universal in the species, although it varies in intensity between individuals. In some men, it is diluted. In others, it is so intense that it impairs their lives. Most men, however, have feelings of jealousy that ebb and flow as a function of the circumstances of their romantic relationships.3
Male jealousy serves to prevent female infidelity, which can take many forms, ranging from a one-time sexual encounter with another man to the complete abandonment of the male partner for the paramour. When female infidelity happens, it can have a profound psychological impact on the male partner. In some men, it brings about a crippling avalanche of distress that can run so deep as to lead to despair, self-harm, and even suicide. In others, infidelity triggers aggression, leading to violence.
To prevent the disastrous scenario of female infidelity, jealousy drives men to employ an assorted set of tactics to retain their mates and to guard them from being poached by potential rivals. This jealousy is also exploited by women to their own ends of testing a man’s commitment in a relationship. Beyond tactics of mate retention, men have also established strategies of deterrence against female infidelity through the threat of violent retribution. Societal shame and ostracism have served the same function of deterrence in patriarchal societies that not only disincentivized women from straying, but also incentivized men to keep their wives faithful. In the first part of this essay, I review all of these matters in turn.
Tactics of mate retention
Jealous men can be naturally driven to a diverse repertoire of behaviors which all serve the common function of preventing female infidelity. The following examples illustrate some of these expressions.4
Jealousy can drive a man to monitor his female partner’s movements. He can call her at unexpected times to ascertain her whereabouts and to ensure that she is where she said she would be. He can also seek to limit her freedom of movement by disapproving of planned trips and outings. In the extreme case, he can even attempt to restrict her freedom to go outside, isolating her from other men and keeping her home where he can be assured of her fidelity.
Jealousy can drive a man to scrutinize his partner’s choice of dress and to criticize her if she wears outfits he finds too revealing. By attempting to diminish her physical attractiveness while she is in public, the jealous man seeks to limit the chances of her being pursued by other men.
Jealousy can also drive a man to monitor his partner’s interactions with others in order to stay vigilant about the threat of mate poaching from a potential rival. The jealous man can attempt to access private messages and conversations to investigate the nature of these interactions. When such a threat is sensed, he can demand that his partner sever ties with people he disapproves of.
Jealousy can sow in a man’s mind obsessive thoughts of his female partner’s infidelity, even in the complete absence of evidence for it. In some cases, these obsessive thoughts can drive him to seek reassurance of his partner’s faithfulness. In others, they can drive him to accuse her of cheating on the basis of mere suspicion.
Jealousy can also drive a man to a different set of tactics that aim to increase his investment in the romantic relationship, especially when he feels that it is the lack of such investment that might drive his partner to stray. As such, the jealous man can pay more attention to his partner, be more present, buy her gifts and flowers, have sex with her more often or with more passion, and generally be more attentive to her needs.
In public, when a potential rival is present, jealousy can trigger public displays of affection as a strategy of deterrence. The jealous man can embrace or kiss his partner to ward off other men by asserting that she is taken. In some cases, especially when the threat is felt to be imminent, jealousy can also trigger aggression. A man can confront a potential rival to challenge him, threatening the use of violence in the process and possibly acting on it.
All of these expressions of jealousy serve as tactics of mate retention to prevent female infidelity and to fend off potential mate poachers. While male jealousy evidently serves a useful function for men, it also has its utility for women. A woman might seek to ignite this passion in her partner on purpose to test his loyalty and commitment to her, especially when she is the one to sense a threat in the relationship.
For example, a woman might decide to wear a revealing outfit when going out just to see if her partner will disapprove of it and ask her to change. She can also talk about another man in favorable terms or even openly engage in flirtatious behavior with others in the presence of her partner, just to see what kind of reaction it elicits in him. Such female behavior aims to exploit male jealousy in search for signals of the man’s love and continued commitment and to reinforce his emotional investment in the relationship. A man who fails to react with the appropriate response of jealousy in these situations sends dire signals to the probing woman.
Strategies of deterrence
Male jealousy can trigger violence not only against potential rivals but against the female partner as well. This is especially the case if an actual infidelity is discovered and not only suspected or feared. A woman's betrayal of her sexual loyalty can ignite the turbulent emotion of jealousy to such a state of rage that, in the most extreme scenarios, men can even kill the women they love. This makes jealousy one of the most dangerous passions in the male psychology.
As patriarchal societies were ruled by men, these violent expressions of jealousy of which women are the primary victims have often had favorable legal treatment, even in their worst manifestations. In many traditional societies, honor killings were a matter of course in cases of adultery, and legislatures in many countries have historically accounted for the so-called “crime of passion” which carried a lesser sentence than premeditated murder.
Men not only gave themselves a pass for personal retribution against unfaithful wives, but they also codified this retribution into law. Penal codes often reserved painful sentences for adulteresses, ranging from corporal punishment to the death penalty. It is a recent development in history that countries have forgone these cruel laws and have outlawed violent retribution for adultery, although barbarous sentences still remain on the books in many places in the world today.
Even in the absence of retribution by personal violence or legal punishment, an unfaithful woman still faced disastrous consequences in society. She could be shunned, even by her own family, to the point of complete ostracism. She also faced the prospect of having her reputation ruined, forever having to carry the shameful label of adulteress.
Therefore, every woman who entertained the idea of being unfaithful to her male partner has had to contend with the risks of violent personal retribution, vicious legal penalties, and life-altering societal shame. These threats have undoubtedly served—for better or for worse—as deterrence strategies to dissuade women from infidelity and to keep them faithful to their male partners. These deterrence strategies all spring from the single source of the male jealousy.
Any committed woman who thought of seeking another mate has had to engage in a careful calculation, weighing the risks and benefits of her potential infidelity. In ordinary circumstances, she was more likely than not to come away from the analysis deciding against the idea, in view of all the risks involved.
While adulterous women were dealt the lion share of detriment in these deterrence strategies, societies have not been kind to betrayed men, either. The man whose partner was unfaithful to him faced ridicule and humiliation if the infidelity became public knowledge. The threats of societal shame, loss of status, a ruined reputation, and degradation in the male dominance hierarchy have served as strong incentives for men to double down on their efforts to prevent the infidelity of their wives.
Conclusion
Male jealousy serves a useful function for both men and women in its moderate forms of expression. In men, it aims to prevent female infidelity. In women, it is used to gauge the man’s emotional investment. In light of this, some moderate expressions of jealousy can be healthy in a relationship as they can reinforce the commitment of both parties to one another.
Morbid jealousy, however, can impair a healthy relationship if the man becomes consumed by the threat of infidelity. The woman who deals with a morbidly jealous partner can become suffocated in the relationship, which can deteriorate as consequence of the jealousy itself, even if the woman is completely loyal to her partner.
Finally, the violent expressions of jealousy that served as deterrence strategies in the past—and still do in many places in the world today—are, needless to say, cruel and inhumane to the injured parties. Recognizing that these violent expressions serve a certain function is not excusing or justifying them.
Taking all this into account, male jealousy is a truly fascinating phenomenon. Why is it so pervasive in the species? Why are men so viscerally sensitive to the threat of female infidelity? The most compelling answer to these questions has been advanced by the evolutionary psychologists. In the second part of this essay, I present the view that male jealousy is an adaptive mechanism that evolved to prevent certain risks of failure of the male long-term reproductive strategy precipitated by female infidelity.
For a comprehensive description of sexual fantasies of cuckolding, see Beta, Ph.D. (2024, July 9). The thematic structure of male masochism: Female infidelity. Beta Chronicles.
Jealousy obviously exists in women as well, but I limit myself here to discussing male jealousy only.
Daly, Martin, et al. (1982). Male sexual jealousy. Ethology and Sociobiology, 3(1), 11–27.
For more on the expressions of male jealousy, see Buss, David M. (2000). The Dangerous Passion: Why Jealousy Is as Necessary as Love and Sex. The Free Press.
Are you writing something similar for other kinks as well?