The evolutionary psychology of male masochism: Cuckolding (Part 3)

In this third part, how the threats to the success of the male reproductive strategy due to female infidelity become sources of erotic stimulation in cuckolding fantasies.

→ Read the previous part.

One of the themes of male submissive sexual fantasies is the female partner’s infidelity. This is the core element in so-called cuckolding fantasies, in which the man imagines various scenarios of his romantic partner’s unfaithfulness and her conquest by a rival.¹

In this essay, I explore this theme from an evolutionary perspective. In accordance with my evolutionary theory of masochism, I argue the case that, like all submissive sexual fantasies, those of female infidelity eroticize the failure of long-term reproductive strategy.

This essay is composed of four parts. In this third part, I answer the question of what cuckolding fantasies are fundamentally about, showing how the risks of failure of the male reproductive strategy due to female infidelity become sources of erotic stimulation.

Cuckolding fantasies: the “what”

Some men are sexually aroused by imagining scenarios of female infidelity in a romantic relationship, which they experience as an erotically delightful humiliation. These fantasies are called cuckolding; the betrayed man is called a cuckold, and the other man is sometimes called a bull.²

There are two separate questions to be asked. What are cuckolding fantasies fundamentally about? And why do some men have these fantasies? Answering the second question is contingent on answering the first. The “what” question can be conclusively answered, but on the “why” question, we can only speculate.

The “what” question is concerned with identifying what cuckolding fantasies are all about. Upon close examination, it becomes clear that the ideas that elicit arousal in the men who have these fantasies are precisely those potential perils of female infidelity that threaten the success of a man’s long-term reproductive strategy. As we have seen, the most prominent of those risks are mate switching, paternity fraud, and resource diversion, but other perils not intrinsically connected with female infidelity can be represented as well.

Mate switching

Some cuckolding fantasies focus on the peril of mate switching. Typical scenarios have the female partner meet a more suitable man with whom she potentially sleeps, after which she decides to leave her original partner in an exercise of mate upgrade. Her decision to leave the relationship is based on her pursuit of optimizing her female mate preferences.

In these fantasies, the accent is often put on the rival’s superiority on the basis of these preferences. In typical scenarios, the woman explains in detail the ways in which the new suitor conforms better to her requirements in a mate, laying bare to the cuckold the reality that he does not live up to those standards—or not as much as the rival does.

This differential in relative mate value between the two men is essential to these fantasies. Men who have cuckolding fantasies are not aroused by scenarios of infidelity in which the illicit lover is imagined to be inferior to them. This shows that these fantasies are fundamentally about the real threat of mate switching, which only consists in the woman’s “trading up”, not “trading down”.

Some of these fantasies incorporate scenarios of the cuckold’s physical defeat at the hands of the rival. The cuckold imagines himself being bullied or physically abused by the other man, with some fantasies even resulting in the hospitalization of the cuckold due to a severe beating. These scenarios are especially arousing if the assault is imagined to take place before the woman’s eyes.

In these so-called “beatdown” fantasies, it is not uncommon to imagine the woman’s arousal by the cuckold’s physical defeat at the hands of the other man. The rival’s superior display of strength and his victory over the cuckold are imagined to encourage the woman to exercise her mate switching prerogative, as she is naturally driven into the victor’s arms.

In the imagination of the man whose sexual fantasies focus on the peril of mate switching, the source of erotic stimulation lies in the conflation of his partner’s infidelity with her rejection of him on the basis of her female mate preferences. In this case, the peril of mate switching overlaps with the peril of the man’s failure to meet these preferences. This other peril is more properly represented in sexual fantasies of rejection.

Paternity fraud

Some cuckolding fantasies center around the peril of paternity fraud. In these scenarios, the woman stays with her partner but sleeps with another man—the bull—establishing a cuckolding dynamic in the relationship.

The accent in these fantasies is put on the woman’s desire to have sex with the bull, which is driven by the greater sexual satisfaction she derives from those encounters. At the same time, sex with the cuckold is often limited or completely prohibited. The increase in the extra-pair sex and the concurrent decrease in sex with the cuckold implicitly raise the chances of the woman’s pregnancy from the bull and lower those of her pregnancy from the cuckold.

In the imagination of the man whose cuckolding fantasies focus on the peril of paternity fraud, the source of erotic stimulation ultimately lies in the risk of pregnancy from the bull. In some of these fantasies, this connection is kept implicit, like in scenarios where the woman forgoes the use of condoms with the other man or only imposes their use on her partner. In other fantasies, the connection with pregnancy is laid bare, such as when the woman explicitly formulates her desire to be impregnated by the bull and to raise his offspring with the cuckold.

It is fascinating how these fantasies naturally ascribe a dual-mating strategy to the woman, in which she seeks to get the paramour’s high quality genes for her offspring while securing the long-term mate’s resources and investment to raise it. In these fantasies, the woman is imagined to be driven in her short-term infidelity only by traits and attributes in the bull that signal better genetic material. Meanwhile, her desire to stay with the cuckold for the long-term—instead of leaving—is imagined to stem from the more secure investment of resources and emotional commitment that she finds in him.

Indeed, the bull is often imagined to be taller, physically stronger, or more dominant than the cuckold. The bull is also frequently imagined to have a bigger penis and to be more skilled in bed, enabling him to satisfy the woman to a greater degree than the cuckold. It is also notable that these fantasies never imply that the bull wants to be with the woman for the long-term; he is only imagined to be interested in her sexually as a short-term extra-pair partner.

Men who fantasize about an ongoing cuckolding dynamic in a romantic relationship are not aroused by scenarios in which the bull is imagined to have poorer genetic material but more resources than the cuckold. The fact that these fantasies only work in the specific pattern that follows the female dual-mating strategy is further evidence that they fundamentally eroticize the potential peril of paternity fraud.

Resource diversion

Some sexual fantasies of cuckolding eroticize the peril of resource diversion. In these scenarios, the woman not only sleeps with the other man, but she forces her partner to actively facilitate the infidelity or even to invest resources in it.

In some fantasies, the cuckold finances the woman’s infidelity. For example, he can be made to pay for her dates with the bull, buy her outfits to wear on those dates, drive her to and from her dates, and pay for entire vacations for her with the bull. The cuckold in these fantasies is sometimes referred to as a “fincuck”, a word derived from the cuckold’s financial domination.

The cuckold can even be imagined to work harder to make more money to give to the lovers. Some scenarios even envisage having the bull move in with the couple, a plan instigated by the woman. The cuckold in these scenarios is often forced to live in a separate room with lesser amenities, reducing his comfort in his own home to the bull’s benefit.

In the imagination of the man who has these fantasies, the source of erotic stimulation lies in the idea of investing his finite resources in his partner’s adulterous involvement with the other man. In doing so, he furthers the rival’s reproductive strategy while harming his own. The peril of resource diversion in these fantasies overlaps with the more general peril of losing resources to a woman, which is more properly represented in sexual fantasies of financial domination.

Other perils

Cuckolding is a submissive kink that belongs to the wider category of masochism. Different male submissive kinks often intertwine to produce complex sexual fantasies constructed on multiple kinks. In accordance with my evolutionary theory of masochism, all these submissive kinks fundamentally eroticize potential perils of the male reproductive strategy. In this context, female infidelity is only one theme. The seamless blending of multiple submissive kinks reflects the simultaneous thematic conflation of multiple perils.

One peril that is often incorporated in cuckolding fantasies is excess male servility to a beloved woman. This is the case when the man becomes so emotionally dependent on his partner that he loses all power in the relationship. In such a state, he can even be maltreated by the woman, yet he accepts it because he has no other choice.

The peril of excess servility is not connected with female infidelity per se, but it can blend with the perils of female infidelity in cuckolding fantasies. This leads to scenarios in which the man is made to accept the new status quo, resigning himself to living with outrageous situations just to stay with his partner. In such a state of utter powerlessness in the relationship, he can even submit himself to serving the woman in her adulterous involvement with the other man. In some fantasies, the cuckold is even made to serve the rival.

In this kind of cuckolding fantasies, the man’s arousal stems from having to accept progressively more outrageous arrangements as the woman exercises the significant power she holds over him in the relationship, pushing the boundaries farther every time she imposes new conditions, exploiting him knowing full well that he would go to great lengths just to stay with her and to keep her happy.

Conclusion

With regard to female infidelity, the dangers that men face in their pursuit of a successful reproductive strategy become erotic stimulants in cuckolding fantasies. Sexual arousal in these fantasies fundamentally stems from the representation of the potential perils of female infidelity, including mate switching, paternity fraud, and resource diversion. Other perils that are not intrinsically connected with female infidelity, like the peril of excess male servility, can be thematically incorporated to produce even more varieties of cuckolding fantasies.

This provides a conclusive answer to the “what” question of cuckolding fantasies. In the fourth and final part of this essay, I take on the “why” question, discussing the psychology of men who have cuckolding fantasies, how their fantasies relate to jealousy, and speculating on what function cuckolding fantasies might serve.

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1. For a comprehensive description of sexual fantasies of cuckolding, see Beta, Ph.D. (2024, July 9). The thematic structure of male masochism: Female infidelity. Beta Chronicles.

2. I use the word “cuckolding” to refer to those sexual fantasies in which the extra-pair mating is experienced as an erotic humiliation. Cuckolding fantasies are part of the paraphilia of masochism. There are men who are sexually aroused by the idea of sharing their wives but not from the basis of humiliation. Those fantasies are called “hotwifing” and they constitute a different paraphilia.